


Notes To Jean Kirschstein

by kirschhhstein



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2014-12-17
Packaged: 2018-03-01 20:11:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2786162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirschhhstein/pseuds/kirschhhstein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean Kirschstein</p><p>I caught you feeding leftovers from dinner to the stray tabby that found its way into our training grounds.  I didn't say anything of course, because I knew you'd get embarrassed.  I've noticed that sometimes you get angry when you're embarrassed.  You don't need to be.  I think it's sweet.</p><p>Your secret is safe with me.</p><p>Armin Arlert</p><p>** based on 'letters' prompt for jearmin week iii **</p>
            </blockquote>





	Notes To Jean Kirschstein

_Jean Kirschstein_

_Thank you for helping to me to my feet after you literally kicked my butt during hand-to-hand combat practice today.  I'm assuming that was accidental by the embarrassed look on your face afterwards.  It's okay though, I'm glad you didn't go easy on me after I asked you not to.  At least there's a chance of me getting better if someone actually faces me like an equal._

_Armin Arlert_

__

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_I caught you feeding leftovers from dinner to the stray tabby that found its way into our training grounds.  I didn't say anything of course, because I knew you'd get embarrassed.  I've noticed that sometimes you get angry when you're embarrassed.  You don't need to be.  I think it's sweet._

_Your secret is safe with me._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_Thanks for explaining that Reiner's comment about today's lunch containing rat droppings and slush from the ground was a joke.  Sarcasm doesn't always come easily to me.  I've tried to make jokes before but they don't really seem to come across well.  I guess growing up with Eren and Mikasa kind of stunted my sense of humour._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_I'm sorry that Eren nearly punched you today.  I explained to him it was my fault I got tangled in the gear and fell from the cliff today, not yours.  Well, perhaps it was partly your fault.  You did crash into me.  But I suppose we should blame the faulty gear really.  Whoever was assigned to check for gear faults this week owes me a meal because my arm is broken and I have to write this with my left hand.  (You were the one who was assigned to check for gear faults.  You owe me the meal.)_

_I don't suppose that joke was very good.  It sounds too dry on paper._

_'Dry on paper' - there's a pun in there somewhere.  I'll leave it to you to come up with a decent one._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_Don't listen to what Eren says.  I think you have a rather nice face._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_Sometimes it's hard to say how I'm feeling out loud.  There are some thoughts and sensations that I don't quite know how to express.  It was my grandfather that initially suggested suggested I write my feelings on paper.  At first that eased me, because if there's one thing I can understand it's words.  Especially if they're on paper._

_I used to write notes like these to Eren and Mikasa when they found it hard to understand what I was trying to tell them.  Sometimes they wrote back to show if they understood, or if not.  More often they'd approach me in person to respond in a more physical manner - an embrace, or a fond pat on the head.  Either way it made me feel more at ease, like I could breathe a little better._

_We don't write them anymore of course.  Well, I still do but I don't show them.  I worried that they found this habit childish, but I've realised that they've got more on their minds than sharing feelings and self-conscious secrets.  We all do.  But I still keep this up.  Writing then hiding.  It's comforting.  Usually.  Not so much recently._

_Because even if I try to write down in words my feelings concerning you, they don't come.  Instead of them materialising in my brain and sending little signals to my hands and fingertips to scribe, it's more like the words fill my heart and stomach and refuse to budge.  Maybe one day they'll spill out._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_Eren told me he kissed Annie Leonhardt today after combat practice.  He wrote it in a note and left it under my pillow.  He says he doesn't know how he feels about it.  I don't know how I feel about it either._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_Have you ever kissed anyone?  You probably have.  I hope it wasn't anyone I know._

_I haven't kissed anyone.  I've thought about it though.  Kissing Mikasa seemed out of the question for some reason, so I only considered it briefly when we were children.  However, Eren seemed more likely.  I don't know if you've noticed but the shape of his mouth is rather nice.  Though I don't suppose it matters now that he's kissed Annie._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_I'm still waiting for the words to spill._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_You laughed today at something I said.  I don't even remember what it was now.  This seemed worthy of a note._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_It's getting harder to find the time and privacy to write these.  I'm under my bed right now and it was lights out an hour ago.  I can hear you snoring on the other side of the room.  It's gotten worse over the last two years._

_I overheard you at dinner today saying you're going home to visit your family in Trost tomorrow.  You didn't seem too happy about it.  I don't really understand why.  I can't imagine not being thrilled to see my family again after so long._

_I'll be staying here with Eren and Mikasa.  They're my family now.  I guess since most trainees and instructors will go home, we'll have freedom in the training grounds.  Not that there's much to do - I'm very nearly reaching the end of the books stocked in the library, and the 3DMG is under lock and key.  I suppose Eren and Mikasa will concoct a plan to 'borrow' three sets.  I'm not really against it since I suppose I should grab any chance to practice that I can.  I'm not actually too bad at gear maneuver now actually.  Unless you crash into me again that is._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_Thank you for carrying me to the infirmary today.  It seems it's a place I need to be carried to frequently._

_I'm sorry if I startled you a little just before I fell.  I kind of overreacted I guess.  Even now I'm sort of hoping that by some miracle it's been wiped from your memory._

_I'm glad you won the cooking contest.  You seemed really inspired.  It was nice to see._ _Though also I'm sorry I gave you that goofy thumbs up gesture earlier.  You seemed kind of surprised, and I'm quite embarrassed about it now.  I don't know what came over me.  I guess I just wanted to encourage you._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_You crashed into me again.  You'd think in our third and final year as cadets we wouldn't still be suffering mistakes like these (though I'm certain it was Daz's turn to check the gear for faults this week)._

_So we fell again.  But you caught me this time.  Then you checked for scrapes and bruises and seemed relieved when I didn't have any.  Your hands were warm.  They were also callused from handling the gear and blades.  They're bigger than mine and I didn't realise how much I wanted to feel them on my skin until today._

_That was difficult to write.  My own hands are trembling.  I'm still waiting for the words._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_Bertholdt found the letters.  I don't know how much he read but he hasn't said anything.  I don't think he ever will but my hands are shaking again._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_We graduate next month.  It's the only reason I started writing to you again.  Because I don't think I'll have the luxury of time to write these once I join the Scouting Legion.  And you'll be in the Military Police and I don't expect I will ever see you again.  My heart clenches at the thought.  These last three years have been painful in ways I didn't even think were possible for me.  Then I remember that I'll no longer be seeing you every day and it's a different kind of pain altogether.  It's like this dull ache inside every bone in my body._

_It's little consolation to think that I'll probably be dead in a few months anyway and I won't have to think about it._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_I didn't mean to say it aloud.  I can't believe how angry you were._

_I don't know why you were all so shocked.  It's not like any of you expect me to live for long either.  You've all been thinking that from the beginning._

_I won't forget what you said though.  'Don't you dare.  Don't you ever say something like that whether you're joking or not.  You're gonna live, Armin.  And even if you don't, I'm going to have to leave my cosy Military Police bunk to kick your arse for dying.  So make sure that doesn't happen, right?'_

_I remember everything you say.  I still think about your hands sometimes.  All the time._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_The words came.  I'm just too scared to write them down._

_Armin Arlert_

 

_*_

 

_Jean Kirschstein_

_We graduate tomorrow.  I'm going to burn all of these notes tonight.  I'll never write to you again._

_Armin Arlert_


End file.
